YOU KNOW? THE SMELL OF FREEDOM!

I CAN SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMM!

finally it's gna be over!
tomr, or maybe ltr, it's gna be th last submission. TOD & In Tech journal submission

buddy wna go out ltr, but he cant decide whr

anyway, after bringing all stuffs back t studios tht day, Esther, CF and me went off t sunshine plaza and have our dinner in our fav dim sum store
it's freaking nice!

i dunnoh what else to blog
i'm feel kinda lost today
i dunnoh how t explain
like even though i'm not doing anything
i feel like my mind is running damn fast heart is beating damn fast
i'm worried tht depression is coming back
cause claustrophobia is back this few days

anyhow, i have something to admit here tht i think not everyone knows
it is something tht i have been keeping to myself since sec 1

it's been sometimes since i started falling back into depression
it's been in and out lately due t too much stress from assignments

th worst one tht happened since sec1 was sec4.
tht agonising yr.
th time when i fell out with th people tht was my everything, my life.
i fell into hell and couldn't find th way out
but because of this, i realised tht thr are actually people who cared
people who were willing t pull me back from hell tht some others put me through

i couldn't blame those tht hurt me deeply, but blame myself
blame myself for not telling anyone tht i had depression
and it was kind of 'passed down'
my aunt have it, my grandma and mum are victims to claustrophobia.
just tht mine was worst.
i didn't tell anyone because i always thought tht if i tell,
they may think i am a mad person and then i'll lose all my friends.
but soon, depression crawled over me.
because of depression i started getting
irritable, demanding, unsecured and can't accept th fact tht people dont care about me
soon i started to think too much got myself into deep shit.
they couldn't take it anymore and then i lost my dearest,
my dearest friends.

i was really angry with them at th starting
thinking why they never realised things
but then i started t realised it was all my fault

i realised tht things was getting serious when i lock myself in th room every night
bursting out of laughing at air, crying for no reasons and hearing voices.
then i couldn't take it anymore
i have to do something

THE FIRST PERSON THT I EVER TOLD ABOUT MY ILLNESS WAS MR THEERU
i am really very thankful t have a teacher like him
i told him everything about my illness in class one day
and i was crying like a mad person in front of everyone
* they may think i was trying t AA at tht time but i hope they will realise one day
mr theeru was worried for me and called theingi t come and sit beside me
tht was when theingi realised about my illness
worried tht again i will lose this group of friends
she was thr to encourage me, they were there to encourage me, mr theeru was thr to support me too.
they didn't find me weird or anything

tht was then i realised tht it was me tht thought people couldn't accept someone with depression but it wasn't th truth.

i was sent t th school counsellor but i decided not t go after tht as i wna get out of it by myself.

a year pass then i told my mum about it.
she was worried but we decided not t approach th doct.
i'm afraid i will be like my aunt, too depended on Anti-depressent
and once you are too depended on it, you may find it hard to pull out of it
i know i can pull through, i know i am strong enough too.
i know people are thr to help me.

last yr a brand new year in school
a new environment, new faces.
we were told t introduce ourselves during character development
and th first think i said was, i have a history of depression and i'm still having it
but it's in and out.
and kelly asked:''are you on medication?"
i told him i wasn't and he told me, "don't worry you have friends with you"
anything you can find us.
I felt really happy and comforted.

Happy tht I have friends like esther and gangs.
to accept me and love me, with or without depression.

but still, i really hoped tht they one day they will read this entry and then find out what was happening back then. Or if only i had th ability t turn back time

*i'm getting emotional this few days. so i'm gna take some break, go for window shopping. chat with theingi and then read some books and break out of this again. I've learnt t take things easy now.

p.s: please dont shun me people, i'm still th happy and crazy haappy-go-lucky JM you all know!



going off now, toddles people!